Dear Blog; Day 34

Again it is Saturday......oh Saturday.  I am still in the process of thinking of it as just another weekday, helps with wanting to spend the day grazing.  I was trying to catch up on a little sleep this morning when I received a phone call from my mother.  She just wanted to tell me she was proud of me and that she has been reading my blog everday.  She also said that she loved me, and that she knows this is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I started to tear up.  It means so much to have the support of friends and family.  It makes it easier in a way.  I know I am doing this for myself but, at the same time it helps me to keep going knowing that the people I love are rooting me on. 

I really wanted to spend today just lounging.  It has been a busy couple of weeks and I just needed some down time.  I spent the day playin online and watching some tv and.....grazing.  I think because I was sad about my dad leaving, and I was just at home my brain shut off.  Part of me knew what I was doing, but at the same time I didn't feel like I could stop myself.  Although I was grazing I still made ok choices.  I just somehow felt like I HAD to eat.  My life coach called me around 3ish and asked me if I wanted to go to the movie with her and my cousin.  I then suggested we go to dinner at our usual place.  I shared with them about my little graze-fest.  We discussed over our grilled chicken, salad, broccoli, and steak how little things trigger our brains to go into survival food mode and all we do is eat; we don't even think about it.  Talking about and recognizing these things will hopefully help me in the future to stop and think before going straight to action. 

After the movie we went home.  Even after the discussion we had, I still came home and ate.  Obviously it didn't sink in as far as it should have.  And then out came the frozen pizza.  IT WAS NOT MINE, NOR DID I HAVE ANY OF IT...I PROMISE.  That didn't stop me from salavating over it, thinking about it and trying to think of a way to steal it.  Instead I stared at it in the microwave going round and round; cheese bubbling, crust getting crispy.  5,4,3,2,1....BEEEEEEEEEPP.  On that note, I took myself upstairs far away from the pizza........begrudgingly.  

ohhh I long for the day when food is just fuel, not an all consuming thing that I have to work so hard to keep in check. 

Love Angela