I was a first grader today. Yeah me! I had to take a deep breath before I welcomed the kids in this morning. It is always harder to sub for the younger grades they are still so dependent on their teacher that anyone new is the enemy infultrating their camp. I hear a lot of "thats not how my teacher does it," or "johnny is doing this or sally is doing that!" Oh the joys of being a teacher. I am sure that it is very similar to being a parent, except at home you can put them down for a nap or in time out or put them on a baby leash in the front yard. (ps. I am not really like that, but you know what I mean! I don't need any hate mail comments about my future mothering techniques...I'm just sayin. ha ha)
It is so much harder to eat every three hours when I am teaching. I have to really plan it out so that eat before school starts so that I can eat at their lunch time and then I have something for the car ride home. I didn't quite get it planned so well today, lunch was a bit too early and so when school was out it had been 4 hours since I last ate. That is one hour toooooooooo long especially when you only get small meals, you count the minutes until you can eat again some days.
My aunt and grammy had gone to the store and so when I came down stairs it looked like someone had gotten things out to prepare. Come to find out that grammy and my cousin had gone out to take some things back. Well one hour went by, then two and finally approaching the third hour I couldn't wait any longer and I made dinner. I wasn't that I was waiting for someone else to feed me, I just didn't want to step on someone elses toes if they had already had something else in mind for dinner. At the point I was at, I didn't care anymore I just needed to make something and eat. It is really hard to feel yourself falling out of control and getting near that crazy place. All I picture is Gozilla terrorizing a small Japanese villiage and all you see in his wake is carnage. That is how I feel if I don't eat in a timely manner! My stomach monster takes over my body and screams FEEEEEEEEDDDDDDD MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
All was well, I made dinner in record time and the end of the world never came, no one lost any digits and no blood was spilt. I returned to my fun loving happy (most of the time)self.
After dinner I was playing on the computer and my life coach and I started studying our reading materials for healthier living. It was nice to be able to discuss things with someone who knows first hand what it is like to travel this road that I am on. I don't need to be preached to or coddled and she doesn't do that. I also appreciate how the book we are reading, validates all the things that I feel and have felt and he really helps me to know that I am not crazy, nor am I broken. How often I have felt that there is something wrong with me, that I must not be strong enough to will power my way throught the fat. After the studying and feeling a bit more renewed I headed to my room. I stood in my closet and looked at the clothes hanging there. I took down a pair of jeans from near the bottom of my pile. I slipped them on; passed the thighs, and over the hips. (Now mind you this was a pair I have tried on a time or town about a month ago.) I will have you know that I was able to put them on and zip them up without feeling like a stuffed sausage that might explode at any minute.
I have to tell you at that moment it hit me. I can do this and it is working, i can take back control of the person that I know I am suppose to be.
A big layer of self hate removed!
Love Angela
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