Day 11 of vacation Happy 21st Birthday Sissy! Today has been pretty perfect. General conference (for church, listening to it live from Salt Lake), my sisters birthday, snuggling with family, food, birthday presents, and now ddr (dance dance revolution). Today although it has been perfect has been really really tough for me. Probably my toughest day so far.
I started off ok. While everyone else was eating English muffins,and toast and drinking virgin Mimosa's (orange juice, and sparkling cider), I was eating my honey mustard pretzels and drinking water. Then I just couldn't stand it anymore I started eating. I made salad with sliced turkey (not bad) then I had a piece of cheese, then I ate a pepperoni stick. I was feeling deprived. There they all were eating what ever, when ever and I am stuck to prepacked food and water. I was not happy anymore I just wanted food. So I indulged. I then immediately felt bad. I felt weak. Just because others get to eat whatever doesn't mean that I don't get food. I am not deprived I have just what I need, all the nutrients I am supposed to have without all the added stuff. So if I have everything I need why do I feel sad that I don't get what they get? Food is not my friend I do not need food to be part of the group. I don't need to eat just because they are eating. But why do I feel like I do? I took myself out of the kitchen after that for a little while and focused on conference for a bit.
My sister asked me to make her lasagna for her birthday. Ok, I can do this. I saved myself a little bit of the sauce to put over what I was going to eat for dinner with a smidgen of mozzarella cheese; it helped me to feel part of things. I also made me some steamed broccoli. I had made it through dinner with no further incident. Now to the cake.....not so good. My sister wanted cheesecake. Not just cheesecake; strawberry cheesecake. I thought enough ahead to make myself some pudding, but it didn't make things any easier. I sat facing my family eating bite after bite of smooth creamy cheesecake. I wanted to scream out loud. That moment was the closest I have been to going completely off program. I wanted a piece of cheesecake like I wanted a hundred dollar bill. I think what kept me from doing it was that everyone would have seen me. And I knew how upset I would have been with myself if I had gone off program.
It wouldn't have been the end of the world. I would just get up and start over; no big deal. The bigger deal is that I didn't go off program no matter how much I wanted to. I know there is cheesecake sitting in the fridge at this moment. Do I want some yes. Do I really want some, yes! But frankly I think it would put me into a sugar comma and it might taste good for a second but then my stomach monster would wonder what the foreign substance was in my stomach and it would kick it out....and I really don't want to spend anymore time in the bathroom then I already do; thank you very much. So in the fridge the cheesecake is going to stay.
This week I have learned that I can so no to cheesecake. I have learned that I really want to be in love and have a family. I have learned that I am not that great at bowling, but I didn't break any nails so that is AWESOME! I have learned that I really need to stay up on my water drinking I have been slacking so much while on vacation. And Finally I have learned that I am a lot stronger then I give myself credit for. That being said I can still be better on this program.
I head back to Arizona in a couple of days. I am excited and sad all at the same time. I am looking forward to starting in on some exercise when I get home. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday which means more celebration and more food. I know I am going to get through this day as well, no matter how hard it is. Cross your fingers for me!
A tiny thin layer of self hate removed.
Love Angela
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