The black cloud is still hovering over me. Reminds me of winnie the pooh and his little black rain cloud song. Except mine is not happy and I am not trying to distract the bees so I can get the honey! It is good that those in my life can see past this cloud and still love me, or else I would be all alone right now. Sometimes I don't even want to be around me.
Since I have chosen not to fill the voids in my life with food, I feel like all of the emotions and feelings etc are seeping out my pores like green ooze and it really makes me smell foul. I really don't know how to stop it. But in reality I don't want to stop it because that means all the toxins are leaving my body, which is a good thing. I just need to go through this process so that I can get rid of all that I have been holding on to so that I can continue to see the big picture and move forward. Right now I am not moving at all, I am standing in the quicksand of negativity,doubt and self loathing. At this point I could write some very angry heavy metal songs if I wanted to, but really that is not my style. Instead I will go on brooding, melodramatic as it may be. ( I can hear some of you snickering to yourselves at this moment but in all honesty I don't really care.)
It is interesting the amount of things that I keep bottled up inside of me, all the while putting on a smiling face even with those that I know I can be straight with. I have been out to dinners and to a movie with friends this week and not once did I honestly share what is going on inside. Mostly it is because I don't really know how to put it into words, but also because I don't want to burden others with my "troubles". I am the strong one for others, they come to ME for support and love and help. What do I do now? How do I move forward? How do I let go?
Love Angela
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