Ok blog readers I hope there are still some of you out there. I have a 2 questions for you? I would like to know your story about how we became friends? And what advice do you have for me to keep me motivated on this journey?
I have been feeling a little mushy today and I need a little pick me up. I continued scrapbooking today. I am really getting a lot accomplished. It has been fun reliving the memories through the pictures. I have really had some pretty amazing experiences in my life. But the biggest experience that I have wanted to have unfortunately hasn't happened yet; and that is marriage. I never thought I would be 32 and not married. Most of my friends are married and with at least one child. I am so very happy for them but at the same time it makes me a bit sad.
Growning up I was always the best friend never the girl friend. I kept getting the line "you are such a great friend I don't want to ruin that" and then they would date my best friend but spend hours talking to me on the phone. I remember crying myself to sleep some nights because I wanted to be the one someone liked. After high school (we know how high school can affect the mind and self esteem of teens) I decided things were going to be different. I put myself out there. I went to activities and dances and was social and all that stuff but I most always was the girl left on the wall while everyone else had a partner. Or if I did have someone ask me it was someone I was friends with. I got to the point where I would hang out in the bathroom so that I didn't have to face sitting on the wall. A couple of times I got up the nerve to tell a boy that I liked him but never once did they like me back. I would do my makeup and get "dressed up" but nothing I ever did could hide the fat. The fat body that I was living in. "You have a great personality" was my favorite comment. It was code for you aren't pretty and I am not attracted to you, but you're funny.
As the years have gone by I have slowly withdrawn from large group social activities. I couldn't handle never being approached by guys, or never going on a date or knowing that no one would ever be attracted to me. I didn't even like me. I felt like all anyone saw was the fat. I prayed and still continue to pray every night that someone will come along that will be just right for me. I get scared that I am going to miss my opportunity to be a mom. I constantly worry that I am not enough of something. But most of all I am hurt to my very core that I am not attractive/thin enough by the worlds standards to be a desired mate.
I have so much love to give and no one to give it to. It is so stupid; if I am fat or thin I am still the same person on the inside, but no one really goes for the fat girl. Part of this journey that I am on is to be healthy put at the same time deep inside of me I figure if I am thinner that men will be more attracked to me. That is what I want, I know if I stay the way I am now it won't happen; the past has proved that. I make these changes in my life for 3 reasons; my health, myself and my future.
I desire to be desirable. I wish to find a person that is right for me. I hope that I am able to a healthier me. And finally, I pray that someday I will be able to be the mom I have always wanted to be, and the wife of someone who loves me unconditionally.
Love Angela
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