Dear Blog; Day 98 ( 14 weeks down)

Ohhh Sunday.  Today was a very very rough day.  In a way I gave up today.  I didn't eat anything like bread or sugar or carbs in general but I spent the day eating.  I had left over chicken for breakfast.  I had a salad for lunch, and then for dinner I had the roast and greenbeans that gram had made.  I am only suppose to have ONE lean and greed for the day.  Not that my choices were bad per say but that I didnt follow program AT ALL today.  In between the meals I had one or two medifast meals and then a hard boiled egg, some cheese and some almonds.  I was way out of control today.

I just wanted to cry.  I feel like I was trying to self sabotage myself.  For what ever reason, the bottom line is that I think I can't do this so my brian is telling my body that you like food more then you like to be healthy.  Granted I could have had some of the cearal or cookie dough or cutie oranges or chocolate bars that were in the house instead I opted for program approved food to indulge in.  It isn't about the food it is about why did I did allow my obsession with it dictate my decisions for the day. 

I know that I am stressed.  I know that I am worried about some things, but why does that mean I have to eat.  It goes back to filling the void or drowning the feelings with comfort from food.  Why does food comfort me anyway?  It makes it so I don't have to think about other things, but in the end I feel worse about myself and now I feel guilty because I have eatin in secret and more then what I know I should have. 

I am going to be pretty defeated tonight.  But at the same time I have decided to "start over" tomorrow.  I am going to put back on my big girl underwear (I just washed them! ha ha) and do this right.  I want to be healthy. I want to be strong, and I want to be here for a long time.  I can't do that if I let food win.  It may have won this round but I know  that I am stronger, and I know that I can win! 

Oh week 15 I know we are going to do battle but I have my armor on, and I will be protect from you and your food dragon!

Love Angela