Dear Blog; Day 125

Oh today has been a busy busy day and actually kind of emotional...weird.

In preparation of my friends baby shower I took extra time getting ready. I was a bit nervous and excited because some of my friends that were going to be there I haven't seen in a while. I took time to do my make-up and my hair I even put on a pair of jeans that I haven't worn in a long while and a pair of wedges. I was feeling really good when I left the house. When I walked into this beautiful house (where the shower was...can we same magnificent with grand sweeping views) I started to feel a bit self conscious. I honed in on my friend whose shower it was and I gave her a huge hug. I haven't seen her for a long time and actually she was one of the very first people I met here in arizona 8 long years ago. She has always had a very very special place in my heart even though we don't see each other often. She gave me a huge smile and commented that I looked great; those 2 sweet jestures made my morning. I associate her with comfort and security. (I need to be better at seeing her more often, I really miss her). I then greeted the handful of other friends that were there. It was great to see them all and hear them talk of their trips, families and lives. It is a testament to friendship that no matter how long or short the time between visits you can pick up and move forward as if no time had passed. I love the girls in my life.

I found myself sitting there watching my friend (who is having twins) surrounded by those she loves and who love her open a literal mountain of gifts, several being hand made labors of love. She was glowing. My heart was full. It was full of love for her and at the same time full of longing for me. I want to be a mom. I want to have my life full of diapers, and feedings and tears and smiles and bedtime stories and groundings and wonder. I want to have a reason to have all the women I love in one room sitting around eating mini quiches and cute cupcakes out of babyfood jars talking about children and giving advice. I know I will have that someday (God willing) but it doesn't stop the longing in my heart now! I can be the best adopted Aunt, babysitter, friend etc I can be but it just isn't the same as having my own children. I left the shower happy but with a tinge of sadness pulling at my heart. I tried to push it aside and go about my day.

I came home and played some cards with my life coach and grammy, since it had been 2 weeks since we had sat down and played. (Pinnochle is our game of choice). We bantered as usual. A game of pinnocle is not complete without a bunch of trash talking. When you have been playing as long as we have it becomes more about the talk then the actual game. We have such a good time. We then caught the Kentucky derby race..which was pretty cool. I am not a follower by any means but it was fun to watch them race. Those horses are beautiful and so majestic in their own right.

I spent the rest of my evening with my grocery shopping friend. I get so excited when I get to see her. We stopped at her favorite store (target) to raise some havoc (as usual) then on to dinner. We spent a lot of time talking about food and creating lives and how difficult it is sometimes, yet at the same time when you develop new healthy habits it make it easier to go out. We each ordered a chicken dish and shared. That was fun, to get a little variety. Our server even got involved in our healthy living conversation and offered up a recipe for grilled portabello mushrooms which we have vowed to try....exciting!  Our last stop of the evening was to a movie; something borrowed. (based on a book, which I have and need to read)  It was really good.  I would give it an 8.  I thoroughly enjoyed it.  BUT, it hit a place in my heart that is right next to the desire to be a mom spot. It is the I want to be a wife spot.

I texted my bestie guy friend on the way home (its about a 50 min drive).  I spent the whole trip home thinking.  The biggest thought I had was that I am afraid I am going to end up alone.  That I am never going to find my someone.  The person that wants me forever.  This is extreme thinking, I realize that but it is very real thinking about very real desires.  My bestie guy friend reminded me that God knows my desires and that I can't think negatively or those thoughts will eventually become reality and I definitely don't want that.  Somedays it just hurts.  It is in my nature to want to me a wife and mother.  I want that and I have prepared throughout my life to  be ready for that.  For what ever reason I haven't been afforded this opportunity yet.  I am not going to just stand idolly by and wait for it to come to me.  Instead I choose to live life.  I choose to make the best of my time on this earth and someday my desires for family and a spouse will be realized.  I do know that and I do believe that.  There are just somedays that are harder to remember that.  (especially after a great baby shower and a really good sappy romantic comedy.) 

Love Angela