Happy Mother's day. I was informed by my nephew (my cousins son, I know he isn't really my nephew but his mom and I are practically sisters so its just easier to call him my nephew) that I am not a mom so this day isn't really about me. Kids can be so brutally honest sometimes can't they? Piggy backing on how I was feeling last night that hit me a little harder then it should of. I may not be a mom, but I am definitely a mom in training. I have many children in my life that I have helped raise in one way or another. I may not have children that call me mom, but I have children that call me aunt, friend, teacher, babysitter, cousin, and sister. All of these positions have mother type qualities and therefore I am sorry to inform you my dear nephew but this day IS about me!
It has been an emotional day. Not having my mother close enough to hug her on mother's day, not really being a mother, and a major battle with food today.
I sent my dear mother a card (which didn't get there on sat so she could open it today, thank you dear post office people) and I called her! It was good to hear her voice. There is so much more I wish I could do for her to show her I love her, but at this time I just don't have the resources to do what I would like. In all honesty there is really nothing that I could ever do that would amount to what she has done for me. The constant shoulder to cry on, the endless conversations and advice, the on going selfless acts of kindness and who can forget the 18 + years of shelter, food and financial support. Can you tell I love my momma?!?!?
I feel a tinge of sadness in my heart because (as I went on about yesterday) I have such a gnawing ache to be a mom. Today, as much as I love mother's day, has been a constant reminder of how I am not one, as of yet. It is such a longing with in me. I hugged on my niece and nephew a lot today. It helped to hold them close. I love those two little munchkins!
Oh the food battle of the month. It's spring...spring equals bbq's. It's Mother's Day, and oh surprise your kids(my cousins) are coming over and bringing two friends; now its a party. What was intended for dinner is not going to fully satisfy all those who are coming, so to the store my uncle and cousin went. What they brought back literally almost brought me to tears. It had already been emotional, the last couple of days, and my resolve had weakened tremendously. Then in parades a couple of bags of chips and hotdog buns and strawberries (and oh I failed to mention that my cousins had gotten my life coach an edible arrangement (flowers made out of fruit with some being dipped in chocolate.) I couldn't handle it anymore. I had to remove myself from the situation. As soon as I was settled upstairs my uncle called me down (and my cousin) so that we could be part of things with my aunt etc. I was pretty sullen. So I said outloud that I was having a hard time, and my uncle and life coach both validated me. They promised all of the "enemy" foods would be gone by the time everyone left. They kept their promise and I stayed true to my journey. I think the hardest part was knowing that things that I am choosing not to eat, had invaded my safe environment. It is one thing if I go somewhere else and they have food I am choosing not to eat; at the end of the day I can go home. But when it is in my house, I have no where to go.
I had made it and no worse for wear. As I was headed to bed my life coach gave me a big hug and patted me on the back. As I passed my uncles office on the way to my bedroom he called me in. He told me he was proud of me. We chatted for a bit then he slipped me a little treat for all my efforts for the day. (a free movie ticket). I was so appreciative of his kind and very thoughtful gesture. He didn't have to do that, but he knew how hard it had been for me today and he wanted to treat me for staying strong.
To quote my life coach, "I love the sunsets and the sunrises. Sunsets because it is the end of a day and sunrises because it is a new day." The sun has set on this day and tomorrow I will wake up and it will be a new day. I find comfort in knowing that I have indeed made it through another day.
One thin layer of self hate removed today.
Love Angela
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