We will just call today D-Day. Why you may ask? Because a food starving alien from planet neptune invaded my body and took over... eating all day long without any regard to my personal health. I couldn't stop it from consuming...basically I was fighting with myself. If that is the case you can't win for losing.... I was home all day but I swear to you I have no idea what I did all day. It was like everything went white and I was in a dream state. I came to with ranch dressing on my cheek and a piece of cheese in my hand. I could blame it on too much alcohol (if I drank) but since I don't, I can't. I would like to say that I was insane and get off the hook with no blame but alas that is not possible. I need to take responsibility for my actions whether conscious or subconscious.
The battle raging with in me was in response to a decent amount of stress in my life. I have put into action some major decisions (which are scary in their own right) as well as getting myself into a bit of a financial bind. Stress + no money = EATING. It is such a viscious cycle. I experience an emotion. I don't want to talk about it, or burden anyone so I stress. Stress then leads to worry. Worry leads to a need to surpress said feeling, stress, and worry. Which then leads to eating to find comfort from all that I am dealing with. Then the guilt usually sets in and the whole cycle starts over. In my past life I would have gone to the nearest food place and loaded up on every guilty carbed item I could and then consume half of it before I even got home. The other half I would sneak into my room and consume in the privacy of my own sanctuary; letting all of the fat, and calories and dence carbs fill my stomach and body. I would lay there full, (often too full) in a stupor and pretty sedated.
Now in my new life, I don't run out and grab the crap food. I may over eat but at the same time I am making better choices and I am able to recognize what is triggering me TO eat. I am still a work in progress and although I might have eaten outside of my recommended guidelines, looking back I am able to see small changes that I made throughout the day. I did experience a "black out" of sorts but it was more because I didn't want to acknowledge what I was doing because I knew that it wasn't what I really wanted to do but it was all that I KNEW how to do.
I know how to eat. I am good at it. I have been practicing a long time. But I don't know how to eat right or for the right reasons. That is what this journey is all about; finding out how to eat right, and understanding why I eat. As long as I am moving forward how ever big or small the steps may be, I feel successful. I have always said from the very beginning I don't look back I only look forward; so here I am facing the sun as it rises on a new day. Learning to understand MYSELF is one of the hardest things in life. But I have a lifetime to figure ME out!
I move through this journey one step at a time. Some days I run and somedays all I can do is crawl; but the motion is always forward. There is no guilt or failure in a contiual awaking of SELF.
Love Angela
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