So the troops are regrouping after yesterdays D-day invasion. I had a couple of stumbles today but for the most part I didn't need to use my walker to move forward on my journey. I had to sit by the side of the road and take a couple of deep breaths but then I got back up pulled up my pants (they are getting a bit big now you see) and I moved on.
I had a great conversation with my life coach today. You would think that a coach doesn't struggle. That a coach has it all figured out and that is the reason they are coaching. BEEP thank you for playing that is the WRONG answer. A coach is a coach so that they can get a discount! HA HA just kidding. A coach is a motivater and an example; a source of strength and most importantly HUMAN. Just because you are a coach doesn't mean that you are at the end of your own journey. I find it very very validating when I talk to my coach and we can relate to each other. That I know she has good days and bad days just like I do. Most importantly I like that she is also learning so much about herself and how to use those tools to help others.
Addiction is addiction. It doesn't matter if it is drugs, alcohol, smoking or food. It is something that is used to either deal with other things or to run away from other things. Expecting to "fix" an addiciton over night is not only impossible it is setting yourself up for failure. Once that little lesson is learned you can move on. I will never NOT be addicted to food. I hope that through this journey I will be able to have a healthier relationship WITH food. I find that I am not as embarrassed as I used to be to talk about my journey. I find it almost enlightening actually.
I am a work in progress. I feel like when I started this journey I was just a block of marble. Now with the help of a sculpture (aka coach) I am able to see form taking shape out of that block of marble. Each day a little bit of progress is made, each day a little bit is etched out. Someday that block of marble will be something truly amazing; I can't wait for that day!
A thin layer of self hate removed today; a tiny layer of self confidence set in it's place.
Love Angela
Hey, Angeweena! I just want to say that I think you are so brave and wonderful for being able to get your emotions out of your body and mind by blogging, and that I feel richer as a person having read your thoughts. Thanks for sharing. Please note that you are 10 years younger than me, and yet I am at a similar point in my journey, also striving mightily to understand why I have become a food addict, and how to live with and overcome that addiction. Many members of my family are alcoholics, and I think in high school and college, I was steadily (or rather, unsteadily) bobbing and weaving down that path too. However, now I have switched my allegiance to food. I am addicted. I am an addict. And regardless of my type of addiction, I realize that these are self-destructive behaviors, and that I am externalizing my own degree of self loathing. I am basically protecting myself from evil, wrong-doing men by walling myself in with layers of "don't-touch-me-don't-hurt-me-FAT." I f I am fat enough, no man will look at me. Well, I am fat enough, and MOST men don't look at me. So now, no male person is hurting me or betraying me or leaving me, however, I am profoundly lonely. My son has no father. He did nothing wrong and truly deserves an awesome male role model. Yet, he has to settle for me, Momdad, as I call myself. And I have done a helluva job, but it's kinda hard to talk to your son about masturbation, and how to put on a condom when you yourself do not have a penis!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, pause for a new paragraph...long overdue, I know....Thanks for linking your blog to the TFSL discussion posts, because I really have enjoyed reading your story. And I sincerely hope that reading a piece of my story has enriched your life in some way! Best of luck to you, and once again, I admire your courage for letting the world look into the window of your amazing heart!!! :) Sidanne