Ummmm sooooo ummmmm ya off the food wagon again. I don't know what is wrong with me. I swear I am under self sabotage. I just blindly walk around eating things. I'm not hungry, I just want to eat. I have done a bit of thinking about this. I have decided that I am scared. Having been over weight my whole life I have no idea what it will feel like to not be heavy. Since I have lost 61 lbs I have gotten a slight taste of what thinner feels like; frankly it is scary! I don't know how to live in a thin world. I feel like an alien or something. I only know about seat belt extenders and lifting arm rests at the movie theater for more space. I only know about sweating profusely knowing that the seats at ball games, and concerts and at plays are so close together I want to try and make myself small enough so that I don't "spill" over into my neighbors seat. I only know about fried food, and eating whatever, whenever. I only know of men not paying attention to me or not going swimming because I can't bring myself to go outside in a swim suit. And I only know about hiding from mirrors or just wanting to stay home because I can't bring myself to go out of the house.
This is where I feel comfortable. But I have to realize that I need to find somewhere else to be comfortable. I need to let go of some layers. I need to realize that I will be ok and that I will learn to adapt to a new world and learn new things. I need to stop setting myself up for failure becuase I am scared to know what it is like to live in a different world.
I am telling you right now that I am not going to be having a weigh in on Monday. I know I haven't lost anything and although at first I was a bit frustrated and upset at myself'; I have decided that its ok and what I really need to do is move on. Learn from where I am at and use it to help me step up to the next challenge.
Back on the food wagon I go....or at least try to (that is all I can do).
Love Angela
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