Dear Blog; Day 47

Friday oh how I love FRIDAY! Right now every day is a weekend day for me so I don't know why I am so excited that it is Friday but I am.... I was up again finishing the tv trama-drama that my cousin got me sucked into. I can't even believe it, it was such a stupid ending to the series that I can't believe I wasted 2 perfectly good evenings and early mornings consumed by that rubbish. (ok I am done now, (stupid show)).

So today was a bit like yesterday, I kept eating just to eat. I have allowed myself to think that its ok to do so, as long as it is food on the program. NOT THE POINT! It is the fact that I am eating just to eat. I have to tell you one important thing though, if you only get one lean and green a day MAKE SURE IT IS A GREAT LEAN AND GREEN! There is nothing more disappointing then a bad lean and green. Tonights dinner was just such a meal. We had salmon, definitely not cooked well (even though I couldn't really taste it) but I ate it as if I were starving. Bad things like that leave a lasting impression on your tastebuds, that is for darn sure. Guess it is my turn to take a lead with the food preparation,can't complain if I don't do anything to help/change the situation right?

I took a shower this morning which revived me (I know right yep I showered) and as I was toweling off I stood there staring at myself in the mirror. I was rivoted, just staring. All I could see were all the faults. The junk in the trunk butt, the thunder thighs, the one semi tire and 3 other spare tires, the 4 chins, and the under arms that flap when I wave and breasts that have never really seen better days and are not necessarily up where they should be. How will I ever be able to look at myself in the mirror and not see all the negatives. I know I am not the only one with a bad self body image, I get that. But I feel so broken sometimes.

As I was laying in bed I started crying. I was going back over the day (remember the thoughts are like dancing children...)remembering the mirror moment, and also thinking about my brother (who has a girlfriend) and my sister (who is married) and me who has no one. Who would want me with all the afore mentioned body issues. I mean really, I don't even want me. Normally at this time I would then get up and get something to eat. That always makes me feel better, I can hug a sandwhich and it makes all the self hate go away... but for how long? Since I couldn't eat, I laid there, thinking and crying. I would have gotten up to wake up my life coach but her attack poodle and pom-poodle would have barked their heads off and woke the world up so instead I called my dad. He listened, and just sat with me on the phone. After talking to him I felt better, he didn't really say anything it was just having him on the phone that made me feel better.

I made it through another tough night. In the back of my mind I still see that image of me in the mirror and it haunts me. It adds a lot of self doubt to the self hate. But, I continue to move forward, and that is the most important thing.

I have thought about this scripture a couple of different times, and it is so very true "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."

No layers removed today, but a deeper understanding of what kind of journey this is that I am on. Its not easy but it will be worth it.

Love Angela